Well I boarded a flight from Los Angeles to NY on Thursday evening but
it sure took a while. You see, security these days is super duper
tight. Don`t even think of hi jacking a plane in this country any more.
Our fine government and the folks they have put in charge of airport
security are making DAMN sure they are keeping the riff raff off of the
airplanes. First we all have to remove our shoes at security. If there
is one thing we all know, it is the FACT that all terrorists keep their
explosives in their sneakers. Why don`t they make us all take off our
socks? Don`t you think that a hijacker would get hip to the entire
shoe thing and just move his dynamite sticks further down into his
sweat socks?

I guess the powers that be know much more than we do about airport
safety and have had numerous meetings on the sock issue.
As my bags passed through the conveyor belt, I heard a stern voice
inquire, “Who`s bags are these?!!?” They were mine.
The guy with the neat security patch on his filthy white shirt than
opened up my backpack and removed some seriously dangerous stuff.
He started with my toothpaste. TOOTHPASTE! I was so ashamed of myself
for thinking I could sneak Colgate onto a 757 that I almost began
crying right there on the spot. I knew I must be in some sort of
trouble because the man told me to stand close to my bag as he emptied
it but he also told me not to touch it. He probably new I would try and
pocket the toothpaste once I realized my mistake.
Next he pulled out Chapstick, Kiels face lotion and Cologne. EXPENSIVE
cologne (Paul Sebastian if you want to send me a nice X-mas gift).
The “Guard” informed me that these items were not allowed on airplanes
due to safety regulations.

How dumb can I be?!!? I was certain the cuffs were going to be clipped
on me immediately. Everyone in the western hemisphere knows that these
terrorists are smarter than we are. No longer are they concerned with
blowing up airplanes or flying them into buildings. Oh no…that is so
2001. These days the terrorists have a new, devious plan of attack.
First, they spray cologne on all the passengers. Everyone from first
class to coach will smell terrific. Next, once they are satisfied that
all on board smell handsome, they will march us all, one by one to the
lavatory and make us all methodically brush our teeth. YIKES!
Once the cologne and oral hygiene portion of the hi jacking is
completed, the bad guys will move ever so cleverly onto phase three…
MOISTURIZING OUR SKIN! yup. It`s true folks. These are not your
father`s terrorists. This is the new, kinder, gentler Al Queda.
Spray, brush, moisturize and then, they whip out all the Chapsticks and
help us with our dry lips.

My question is what happened to the bomb making, plane breaking
terrorists that we all came to love post 9-11?

How can we possibly fight a war on terror when they keep getting nicer
and cleaner?

Why aren`t there National Guard troops in the airports anymore? Oh,
that`s right. They are all overseas in fucking IRAQ, where no doubt
they are going door to door seizing all the beauty supplies they can
get their hands on for our protection.

I don’t mind being held up at the airport for security purposes but do
they really have to confiscate my Paul Sebastian cologne?
Why not harass the smelly guy in front of me and make him go to the
gift shop and buy some mouthwash and Brut. Please.

Support the troops by bringing them home. I think we all have fallen
into a sense of complacency regarding this war in Iraq.
If it doesn`t affect us here, what`s the big deal? The big deal is
that in any other decade in American history, we would be rioting in
the streets to bring these men and women home.