I hope you and yours have a great Valentine's Day. When you have children you get to watch as they assemble different pieces of parcel with names scrawled on them to give out in a giggling school room. When I was a kid, I remember the Valentine's game ...

Hello friends. I have not written in quite some time. Apologies. I haven't had much to report and didn't want to keep telling you what shows to watch or what products to buy etc.. Finally I have a decent message to convey to all of you. I am currently ...

On a side note: I asked some people on set today what was the best live music show they ever saw. Actually, I asked Donofrio and then we started shooting and I didn't get to ask anyone else.  I hope he doesn't mind me writing this (I don't have his pe...

I have an off day today. It's strange to suddenly put on the breaks once you are in the full swing of things. D'Onofrio and Erbe are the ones that should have a day off. I cannot begin to tell you ho much dialogue the two of them have to remember each ...

The days sort of run together. I began listing them numerically but after a while it really just boils down to, "How many lines do I have tomorrow". Last night I had two. The day before that I had three. Today is a pretty big day. I am in every scene b...

This is a message to jmill911@yahoo.com One of the reasons I left twitter was because of assholes like you. Anyone reading this, feel free to email him and let him know he can get lost. He lives in Louisiana and has asked online how to store gasoline ...

Criminal Intent. Yesterday was a fun day. We were shooting in someones 16 million dollar house in the West Village on Hudson street. Holy smokes it is beautiful down there. Very quiet, lots of dogs and kids. I had a 2 hour window for lunch and ate s...

I was up at 5am today to go through a run through Central Park. That time of morning is always so cool no matter what city you are in. Whether you are watching a beast like New York slowly stretch awake or driving along the fog covered ocean in Los Ang...

Great first day. I am laying in bed in my pajamas. I am eating room service chicken soup. I am watching the Knicks game on TV, my wife by my side. Life couldn't possibly be better. Troll free.

Well, that was interesting. As I mentioned before I am playing a Charlie Sheen-esque coked out fashion designer. I rehearsed today's scene in my hotel room about a thousand times. I had a bunch of super neat ticks and gestures that I thought were perfe...

LAW AND ORDER CI: I am going to blog about my experience on LAOCI while I am here in New York. I am basically playing Charlie Sheen if he was a fashion designer. Day one. My pick up time this morning was at 6:45. I was driven to Chelsea Piers wh...

Twitter sucks. It starts as a really amazing social network but slowly and surely becomes an amazingly awful social network. When I signed up for Twitter I was super excited. I wanted to type super funny things. I wanted to hear feedback from fans...ok...

With the cancelation of Gary Unmarried I have found myself standing around my house in a bit of a daze wondering, "Where am i going to make my living now?". I am a fool. When I was sixteen years old, I walked onstage in West Orange New Jersey for the f...

I got fired today. many of you know what this feels like and I know most of the country has gone through something like this lately. it doesn't take the sting out of it though. My television show, GARY UNMARRIED was, "Not picked up" by the network. it ...

Hi guys. Here is another blog entry. I think this entire blog thing is pretty strange. I must have an enormous ego to think that whenever I write something, you will quickly read it and leave a comment about how cool it was. I'm not even sure how many ...

I just had the honor of hosting the 13th annual DICE awards at Red Rock Casino in Las Vegas. Basically, the DICE awards are the Oscars for video games. Gamers from all over the world (England, Japan etc..) come to Las Vegas to pay tribute to one anothe...

Hey all. I just wrapped filming HEREAFTER with Matt Damon, directed by Clint Eastwood. I have run out of adjectives to explain how cool this all was. Six months ago, I was put on tape in a small room at Warner Brothers. It was a saturday and it was jus...

Hi guys. I have gotten a lot of emails from you asking why I have a giraffe tattoo. The answer is that my paternal grandfather used to collect giraffe statues. His house was filled with them. My grandfather was a great man. He did it all. He taught sh...

My son wakes up so damn early he should have a morning radio show. Maybe he is destined to be a long shore fisherman. Maybe he just smokes meth. Regardless, each day my son expects me and/or my wife to get out of bed and start building Legos when it's ...

Okay, okay. I know I owe you guys a funny blog. I have been reminded by a few of you though that it has been YEARS since I wrote a sports blog. Hopefully to those of you that don't care about sports, you will have compassion for the people that don't c...

I have been watching a lot more television than normal lately. Insomnia is great for catching up with all of your "Law and Orders". The Food Network is also a personal insomnia favorite of mine. I LOVE INA! I wish I could meet her and eat all of her f...

I would like to address the website TMZ and the paparazzi in general. Lately there have been a few photos of my wife and I walking to our car, walking to the market etc. The caption is always about how awful we look and how thin my wife is. I never c...

I took my son's car seat out of my Escalade today. I had no idea that this simple act would make me so sad. Long gone are the days of digging out Cherios from the crease in his seat. No longer will I wipe down the head rest with wet paper towels becaus...

I am home from the road. After two weeks, three states and two countries, my Pacific Northwest loop is closed. I first have to stress to you how freaking beautiful this part of the country is. I had no idea. Oregon is the most beautiful place I have ev...

SARAH MCLACHLAN MUST BE STOPPED!!!!! Oh my God! I am so sick and tired of this woman's commercials asking me to adopt abused and homeless bum pets. This commercial of hers seems to be following me. First the Sarah McLachlan music starts playing. It sou...

I DON'T KNOW IF I AM COMING BACK TO GHOST WHISPERER!! Holy Moly! You guys sure love Ghost Whisperer. I have received about a thousand emails in the last three weeks. Probably two thirds of those were asking me about a possible return to Ghost Whispere...

Greetings from New York City. As a part of my 'Gary Unmarried' media blitz, I was scheduled to appear on The CBS Morning Show, Rachael Ray, Martha Stewart and The View. I have done media tours before but never had I spent a week being interviewed sole...

As our country's economy weakens and shivers and coughs it's way through the winter. Our nation's past time is glowing and smiling with a fresh tan ready for summer. After Congress and the rest of us, debated ad nauseum as to whether or not it would be...

Hey Everyone, As you may know, from time to time I like to call into my favorite radio shows. Jim Rome, Adam Carrolla and Ron and Fez are a few of the best out there. Today though I had the pleasure of speaking on the radio with one of the true greats...

Hello friends. I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Las Vegas at the Orleans Casino. I was booked to play three shows this weekend and in two hours I will play the third. I just wanted to write a quick note and tell all of you that come see me p...

I would like to thank everyone that joined me on pay per view and in person at BLIZZCON 2008. Last year I had the pleasure of hosting the costume, dance and joke contest at the Anaheim convention center. There was about 5,000 people there, all avid gam...

Hello there. I haven't written in a very long time. Mostly out of pure laziness.I had to get a colonoscopy last week. Let me tell you, if you have never had thirty feet of hose snaked up through your anus and into your intestines, you don't know what y...

My wife and I love documentaries. The problem is, no one really makes them anymore. I just watched "The Filth and The Fury, The Story of The Sex Pistols" that was very good. I had to put some type of "rocumentary" on to cleanse my self of the abominati...

I just finished watching a documentary on THE WHO. I forget the name but it is the one that is out now. This thing was TREMENDOUS! The bonus extras were four, individual shorts based on the way each member of the band plays. For example, The Edge expla...

Hey everybody.Good things going on over here. I just found out that my new show for CBS will be on Wednesday nights at 8:30 after "The New Adventures of Old Christine". My show is called "PROJECT GARY". I play Gary. This show is really funny. Here is ...

I have seen Satan. Beelzebub. The guy in red. I saw the devil on my television set and was stunned to see that he has three heads. I also was a bit surprised that he could play piano, guitar and keyboards. The devil is the Jonas Brothers. Holy SHIT. W...

My entire house is filled with sick people. (except for the dog...she just died.) Ten days ago the pediatrician told us my son had Pneumonia. GRREEAATT! My wife and I brought him home and plugged in his Nebulizer. A nebulizer is an inhaler that is moto...

I had to put my dog to sleep yesterday. Well, to be honest, I didn't do it, the vet did. I always imagined, years ago, me holding my rotteiler in my arms whispering sweet things to her as the vet injected her and she drifted off into the beyond. Ins...

Well, I landed at LAX around 7:10 this morning. I went directly from the airport to the Kevin and Bean studios. Those guys really do make me laugh. It wasn't just because i was working on 2 hours of sleep either. I did some Tracy Morgan impressions and...

When I told my wife that everything is bigger in texas, she said, "why do you think I came with you?" My show went great, standing ovation and everything. Tommorow my flight leaves San Antonio at 6am...when I land, I go straight to Kevin and Bean's st...

Greetings from Texas! Everything is bigger in Texas..especialy your disapointment at the weather when you walk off the plane. Isn't Texas supposed to be in the DEEP SOUTH? Shouldn't it be warm? Not today. I landed in San Antonio this morning around 11...

I did a joke this past weekend in Brea California about blacks not tipping. Well, this fellow took offense. He sent me the email below. I like how his name is super royal and African and it turns out he is from Rancho. Check out the amount of qualifica...

I asked my three year old son if he wanted to come with me to go rent a kayak. He said, "Um...no thank you." I asked him again and he declined. I started to get my feelings hurt. I thought to myself, "why doesn`t this boy want to spend more time with m...

Well, I have finally made the big time. I have played Ontario...California. Not Ontario Canada. That would have been too normal.  Snow, Loonies, "how’s it goin` eh?" you know, Canadian stuff. No, the Ontario I am referring to is located in the In...

I wanted to extend a huge THANK YOU to all of you that made it to Irvine this weekend. As many of you know I have been dealing with terrible stage fright for about three years now. Performing in Irvine was a good stepping off point for me. I feel pret...

Well, as you may or may not know...or care, I got married last month. It is great. She has no idea that I am gay and I would like to keep it that way for awhile. Last weekend I was in Cabo for a few days. It was very nice there but if you are thinking...

Well I boarded a flight from Los Angeles to NY on Thursday evening but it sure took a while. You see, security these days is super duper tight. Don`t even think of hi jacking a plane in this country any more. Our fine government and the folks they have...

What other sport allows such access for its fans? I just returned today from Kansas City where I was shooting a few spots for the NASCAR awards in December on TNT. I interviewed Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson, Martin Truex, and THE KING himself, Richard ...

Hello friends, There is an old saying, "be careful what you wish for." I have been wishing for work and have received it. There is another saying, "When it rains, it pours." I am drowning in work, all with a big grin on my face. Currently I am filmin...

I haven’t written in a while because I have been watching the World Cup. It seems to be the perfect sporting event for insomniacs. Where else can you sit up at 3:00 in the morning with a Hot Pocket and watch Japan versus Panama? I caught a little of ...

First, I will be at the Improv in Irvine California EVERY TUESDAY IN JUNE!!! Ticket prices will be lower since it is a work night but the comedy will stay top notch... every Tuesday. Now that American idol is over we can all meet at the Irvine Improv! ...

An excerpt from my upcoming book... There may not be a greater tradition between fathers and sons than going to your first baseball game together. Baseball has for years been a comon link, a bond between the generations that to the male species, is une...

I am now almost finished shooting my pilot for NBC. I have one more day to go. Today (Tuesday 4/12) we were shooting a scene on a football field. One of the characters is having his jersey retired and there is a huge set up with over a hundred extras f...

Thank you everyone that made it out to Brea for my "coming out of retirement" party. Holy shit what a great time. I had no material prepared and made sure to go onstage with no notes. I needed to test myself and make sure I was still funny. Just funny...

Happy Monday everyone. Many of you are reading this at work and I am glad to be able to offer you a momentary escape from what certainly sucks balls. Bosses suck. That`s how they become the boss. If you are great or very good at what you do, I suggest...

I have been a member of MySpace now for about two months and feel strongly that the name should be changed to MYCRACK. Holy mother of God! I never thought at thirty five years old I would be in the grips of addiction. I never thought at thirty five yea...

I didn`t die on an airplane. I am back from Miami and can say that it isn`t so great. At least not for me. if you like coke, X, and uncircumsized Cuban guys that dont wear socks than dive right in. On the way there, I was sitting in my seat before tak...

Tommorow I am flying to Miami. That means by the time you read this I will be one of three thing: 1. In Miami 2. Home from Miami 3. Dead Thats right I am calling my own shot. I very may well die in an airplane tommorow. Actually I may die in a cornfie...

Are you like me? Do you watch your favorite television programs and then get incensed when the commercials come on? I am not speaking about regular, kiss the puppies, Kodak commercials. Those are nice and usually make me cry. I am talking about these g...

What is it about playing cards in a casino that makes everyone a little more friendly than they are in real life? Whenever you are sitting at a blackjack table, a new player will come over to sit down and say, "How`s everybody doin`?" Then everyone at ...

Like you, I spend a lot of time in cyber-space. Its not always for porn either. Between, myspace, this website, and doing "research" surfing the sports pages online for my wednesday sports illustrated.com articles, I am online for a few hours each day....

Hello everyone, It is 7:50 on a monday night and I, as usual, have NOTHING to do. So I type. I took my dog to the groomers today. Usually I bathe my Rottweiller myself. A few Vanilla candles and a Alanis Morissette CD`s and we get in the ole tub toget...

You did it! You guys are the best! I have been answering emails about when ACTION will be out on DVD for eight freaking years! I never knew what was going on with it, but today I find out that on February 21st, ACTION will be hitting the streets on DV...

A couple gets married and on their wedding night the bride asks the man for $20 dollars before they have sex. In his horny state the man readily agrees. This exchange continues for their entire marriage. One evening the woman comes home to find the man...

Okay I know I said I wouldn`t bother you anymore in regards to the si.com column but this one is sort of important. I have a bunch of friends that play NFL football and can hardly walk. Check out my take on the NFL players` union. A young girl walks i...

Thank you everyone that has been reading my columns on si.com I really enjoy being able to work from my guest bedroom for twenty minutes a week. I am going to tell the almighty web master, Steve Axworthy to stop sending the weekly reminders to read my...

Hello all. I have been semi-retired from standup to spend more time with my son. I have however been keeping busy. I am writing a column every Wednesday for si.com. Since I love sports so much, it`s a perfect fit. Please log on to si.com and check out ...