I asked my three year old son if he wanted to come with me to go rent a kayak. He said, “Um…no thank you.” I asked him again and he declined. I started to get my feelings hurt. I thought to myself, “why doesn`t this boy want to spend more time with me?” then “Why cant he see how much fun we would have in a kayak together?”

Then I realized, maybe its because he is THREE and has no concept of the word KAYAK.

I could have bent down close to his face and asked, “Wanna get a boat?” and he would have screamed, “YEAHH!!!!” BUt no. I decided to go with the big boy “Kayak” word. While I was at it I should have added, “Lets get some carbohydrates in us, fuel up on electrolites and navigate the Huntington Harbor tributaries.”

Once I explained to him what a kayak was, he was, pardon the expression, on board LOL!

The Kayak rental place is about a half mile from the beach house I am renting for the summer and the plan was to rent the kayak and row to the dock behind my house, eat lunch and then return it.

My boy and I got a kayak with one seat. I strapped him into his lifevest and off we went. I severly underestimated the amount of work I would be doing on the kayak, which was ALL of it. My son sat in my lap and I was having a hard time rowing without bumping him in the back of his head or clipping his shoulders. The only way to row without causing my son brain damage was to hold the paddle against my chest and use tiny strokes. I looked like A Tyranosaurus Rex rowing through the harbor with my elbows behind me and my teeth showing from exersion. After FORTY FREAKING MINUTES we arrived at the floating dock behind my house. I was exausted and he was very, very bored. We went in the house and I fed him some macaroni and cheese.

After lunch I realized I had to bring the stupid kayak back to the rental place. There was no way I was going to row another half mile in the heat back through the harbor! I decided (genius) that I would put the kayak in the back of my truck and drive back to the rental hut. The problem with this scenario was my truck was AT THE KAYAK PLACE! UG! My only other option was to put the kayak on my back and carry it back like an ant. I decided to row. I left my son to his legos and my fiance and I began to row back. The currents I fought against on the way TO my house were now much worse on the way FROM my house.

After another forty minutes (I could row using the full length of my arms now) I saw the beach where I was to return the kayak. The kayak rental man stood on the beach waving his arms waving for me to bring it in. As I approached him I was frozen with fear for a moment as I realized what I was doing. I left the kayak place with a three year old. I was returning, with an empty lifevest and a pair of children`s Mickey Mouse flip flops.This guy was going to call the cops on me thinking I was the next Scott Peterson!

I wasn`t prepared for this conversation! Should I holler from 30 yards out that I brought my son home? Should I wait for him to bring it up? Will he bring it up? Should I say, “What kid?” after he asks?

I pull the kayak up onto the beach and tuck the kid`s lifevest under my arm and the rental guy comes up to me and says, “Where`s the little guy?” I said, “I dropped him off.” He says, “Oh. That will be ten dollars for the two hours.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!!?

I take a child out to sea, return without that child and all it costs is ten bucks? I started to wonder if the guy was going to wait until after I left to call the cops on me. On some weird level I WANTED him to think I dropped a kid off in the ocean just because he seemed so non-plussed by it.

I told the guy, “Wow, ten bucks is pretty cheap. How about I give you fifty bucks and you let me wipe down the kayak?”

This dope says, “Uh…no. Ten bucks is cool.”

Let this rant serve as a notice to that dumbfuck Scott Peterson. If he wanted to get away with double murder, he should have gotten his lazy ass out of Modesto and rented a kayak in Huntington Beach.
- Jay