I didn`t die on an airplane. I am back from Miami and can say that it isn`t so great. At least not for me. if you like coke, X, and uncircumsized Cuban guys that dont wear socks than dive right in.

On the way there, I was sitting in my seat before take off checking out all the other passengers and potential terrorists. (Why is it that whenever people get on an airplane they cant keep there ass out of your face? seriously, I am in a chair facing forwards. You are standing facing the opposite direction. There is a piece of furniture between us. How the fuck do you manage to bump the side of my head and my elbow with your ass? Be a gentleman and TURN AROUND for Pete`s sake!)

I look to my left and I see a gentleman of the arabb persuasion and he is holding a two way radio in his hand and get this..A book under his arm on how to fly!!! A fucking how to fly book? Holy shit! Was this guy serious? No one was moving and standing still for a moment so when we made eye contact I politely say to the nice man, “Are you fucking kidding me?” The man with “Flying 767`s for dummies and Muslims” says back to me, “What do you mean?” I half tell him, half ask him, “You are really going to get on a fucking airplane with a radio and a book on how to fly?” He says, “yes.” I say, “I have a little problem with that buddy.” I am now standing and my voice is a bit loud.

One of the flight attendants muscles her way through the line of people and asks what the problem is. I tell her, “The problem is this fucking guy is getting on an irplane with a ham radio and a book on how to fly airplanes!” I explain to her that if you are a grown man and you have a book on how to fly planes you better be retarded or you might raise some eyebrows. The flight attendant asks me, “Does this man being on this plane make you uncomfortable?” To which I reply, “No, because I will fucking kill him. I was thinking he might be making YOU uncomfortable. But I am not uncomfortable because I will fucking kill him.”

We officially have a scene.

The flight attendant asked me if I would like to speak with the pilot to which I respond, “Yes I would, very much so I would like to speak to the pilot.”

I get to the cockpit and the dor is propped open so if you have to use the bathroom you have to ask them to close it and then they all know you are about to take a shit and look at you differently after yu leave the lavatory.

I step iinside the cockpit and explain to thte pilot what my beef is. The pilot says to me in a very loud voice, “I do a thorough walk through before take off so I will check him out. And if the motherfucker gives me any shit I will throw him right the fuck out!” WOW! NICE! My kind of captain. Since everyone was waiting to take their seats, no less than twenty people heard this outburst from Captain steroid.

Then the pilot actually asks me, “Wanna sit in my seat?” I say back to him, “Are you gonna be in it.” He laughs and stands up and motions for me to sit at the wheel of a 7fucking67! The first thing that popped into my mind was, “Why is there a parking break?” There was a parking break to my right and I guess I always thought once the plane had come to a stop t didn`t do much rolling, maybe I`m wrong. A parking break on a plane? Are they parking these thiings in front of there houses at night in the Hollywood Hills?

Oh well. I go back to my seat ad start falling asleep, happy now that my militia, be your own airmarshall mentality took shape and was put into action!

The pilot having completed his walkthrough of the jet taps me on the shoulder and says, “Yeah, um..I talked to that guy…um you might want to stay awake.” greeaaaat.

Four and a half hours later we land in Miami. I was told this by my fiance because shortly after the pilot walked away from me I fell into a blissfull four and half hour sleep.

What a man.
Jay